Friday, September 22, 2017

Is This Abuse?

Is This Abuse?

One of the reasons that many people stay in emotionally abusive relationships for so long is their inability to recognize they are, in fact, being abused.

I say this from experience. 

It's not easy for me to look back on my 15 year marriage to a malignant, cerebral narcissist (in my opinion) and realize that it wasn't until that final year of marriage that I allowed myself to accept the truth...this was abusive and a very toxic relationship.
I wasn't ignorant to the fact that something was seriously wrong in the relationship.

The relationship was filled with the silent treatment, walking on eggshells, confusion as to why his rage seemed to pop out of nowhere, inability to resolve any disagreement, having the words I'm sorry be erased from all knowledge of their existence unless they were coming out of my mouth, constant bickering, criticizing, insults, being ignored in public as if I did not exist, etc.

So how could I see these things and NOT know it was abuse?

There are two reasons: 
1) Gaslighting - A narcissist is a professional crazy maker and gaslighting is a weapon of choice that they expertly use to minimize their behavior, blame shift so that you think YOU are the problem, and outright DENY reality so that you begin to doubt your own perceptions. This is a very effective manipulation tool that keeps victims spinning in their own minds, wondering if they are going crazy because the behavior they feel is wrong.....their partner sees nothing wrong with, or denies it, or makes the victim feel as if they are being too sensitive and making a mountain out of a mole hill.

2) Familiarity - Many victims of narcissistic abuse were victims of abuse long before meeting the narcissist and many, myself included, did not realize they had been raised by a narcissistic parent. The silent treatment, the feeling as if it's all your fault, the striving after love as if the responsibility rested on your shoulders alone, the feeling as if you weren't good enough, as if love was conditional.....all of this is familiar, it was how you were raised. Because you were raised around such negative and toxic relationships, your ability to discern what is healthy from what is not is blurred. 

Combine gaslighting with a person who was raised around abuse and never developed the discernment needed to recognize abusive behavior from what is not abusive, and you have the perfect soil for a narcissist to plant their destructive personality into.

Identify Abuse

My YouTube Channel is dedicated to raising awareness of narcissistic abuse as well as sharing tips, hacks and habits that help former victims to be able to become the best versions of themselves, despite their past:

I recently did a video showing 7 behaviors to watch out for; behaviors that not only make a personal difficult but actually cross the line into abuse.

When we can learn to identify what is abusive behavior, we can then protect ourselves.

1) A pattern of constant arguing that creates an ongoing sense of fear over a sustained period of time. Everyone argues, everyone disagrees...and sometimes it may get more heated than we would have liked. However if the arguing is chronic as opposed to every now and then, if the intensity is overboard each and every time, if it has become a constant pattern of behavior each time you disagree then it may be crossing into the realm of abuse.

2) Abusers seek to scare their victims with domestic violence. That doesn't necessarily mean they will act on that violence, seeing your fear can be enough to sustain some emotional abusers. This is one that creates a grey area. Some people will say "no he's not abusing me, he never hits me."  However if a person behaves in a way that is designed to intimidate, frighten or coerce their partners behavior, or if you are constantly worrying about the consequences of minor things, walking on eggshells because your partner gets furious over the slightest little thing, then you have crossed the line into abusive territory.

3) My way or the highway. In a healthy relationship both partners "see" the needs of the other. Equality is present. But an abuser will not think about their partners wants or needs or even feelings. They are first, second and third. There is no consideration for their partner and if that upsets their partner, well that's irrelevant to the abuser, they are only concerned with themselves.

4) Gaslighting. "Nothing happened." "I never said that". "You're making it bigger than it really is". An abuser will outright deny abuse, pretend it didn't happen, pretend it didn't happen in the way you perceived it or outright blame YOU for what happened. No disagreements are ever resolved.

5) Unhappiness is not an option. In a healthy relationship if you tell your partner that you are unhappy and they love you, they will listen to your feelings and work at changing them. A narcissist will not even contemplate the fact that you are "unhappy". After all, if they are happy in the relationship, they are thoroughly thrilled that they are with someone tolerating their abuse, then you should be happy too. If you try to tell the abuser you are not happy, they will be unwilling to listen, will minimize your feelings or views and will try to TELL you what you are REALLY feeling by rewriting your emotional script for you!!

6) Controlling Behavior. Control is a significant factor in psychological abuse. An abuser will isolate their partner from family, friends, even hobbies that bring happiness. They will control you to the extent that your every waking moment will be revolving around the abuser. Their control will extend to financial control, spiritual control, online control.And it will be a double standard..they will be free to do whatever they want whenever they are in their narcissistic prison.

7) Personal Attacks. Once again, emotional predators, especially narcissists can be very covert in their verbal abuse. They know that name calling and degrading a person outright can be identified as verbal abuse, some of them don't care and choose to attack this way. My covert narcissistic ex knew how to hide his insults and criticism behind a "I'm trying to help you" attitude. The insults or pointing out my flaws and imperfections constantly were "for my own good". If you can make a never ending list of what your partner DOES NOT like about you and not list a thing regarding what he/she tells you they DO like about you, you have crossed the line into abusive behavior.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

The Narcissistic Mother Abuses When You Are Most Vulnerable

Often I am asked by mothers leaving narcissistic partners, if going back to live with Mom is a good idea even if she displays narcissistic tendencies.
It's very tempting to grasp hold of an outreached hand when you are in need, have little ones to care for and feel all alone as if the world is resting on your shoulders.
Leaving one emotionally abusive relationship for another will always end bad, no matter how we try to rationalize it in our minds; no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that our narcissistic mother wants to be there and help us.
If you are in this situation, it's important to remember how narcissistic mothers operate so as to not fall into their trap when you are most vulnerable.
Consider the following facts:
1) Narcissistic mothers ALWAYS seek narcissistic supply from their children and that supply is almost always in the form of provoking negative feelings in their children.

2) Narcissistic mothers ALWAYS use guilt and shame on their daughters in an effort to control them.

3) Narcissistic grandmothers will pick a golden grandchild and a scapegoat and will manipulate the siblings against each other.

4) Narcissistic mothers are MISERABLE inside and will seek to make sure that your unhappiness continues, they will sabotage all your efforts to be happy and back on your feet once again.

5) If they do help you, as in give you a roof over your head, Narcissistic mothers will always rub it in your face so that you never forget how indebted you are to them....they now own you and will never let you forget it.
6) Narcissistic mothers will NEVER respect your boundaries, they will go through your things, they will interfere with your parenting.

7) If you find someone that treats you well, the narcissistic mother will criticize him, find fault with him and do everything in her power to make sure you do not find an emotionally healthy person that will love you unconditionally.

8) Often the Narcissistic mother will encourage you to make decisions that they know will cause you hardship....and when they do..they will blame YOU for the decisions and claim it's your fault for NOT listening to them.

9) The Narcissistic mother has been known to kick their children out of the house when they are most vulnerable...whether you have kids or not!!!! There is no sense of security when living with the narcissistic mother.

10) Narcissistic mothers will try to sabotage how your children VIEW YOU!!! They will continue the abuse that you are running from and continue to create problems, triangulation, emotional abuse, confusion and gaslighting in not only their children but their grandchildren as well.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

If I Love The Narcissist Enough...he/she Will Change!?!?

Every now and then I meet someone who tells me that they stayed
with the narcissist because they thought that if they loved the narcissist enough,
then maybe, possible, hopefully? they would change!!
The sad part is that if you have ever given thought to such a thing, you 
are thinking, doing and feeling EXACTLY how the narcissist wants, expects
even demands (covertly at times). 
The manipulative narcissist does not pick ANY victim, they choose carefully very similar to
a hungry lion. A lion does not seek out the strongest in the herd, the fastest or the most they seek the younger, less experienced even sick as their prey. Is it because the lion CAN'T get the 
strongest, fastest or most beautiful?'s just that they want their prey without having
to exert much effort, they want the easy way.
The narcissist doesn't necessarily pick the physically weak, but rather the emotionally sensitive.
By choosing empaths or sensitive people they can play on your emotions, get you to feel sorry for them, make you feel like it's your job, your duty your reason for help them, to heal them, love them and well yes worship them.
But can love change the narcissist?
NO, I'm sorry it cannot.
In order for love to aide someone in changing, the person has to desire love, recognize it's importance, as well as see the need to change and the narcissist is not capable of any of these things.
A narcissist does not need nor want love, they want narcissistic supply
Narcissistic supply is anything that builds up the narcissist's ego and enables him/her to feel superiority, grandiosity and entitlement. Yes, it's all about them.And the narcissist is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic with an insatiable thirst for narcissistic supply, too much is never enough.
You can love the narcissist with your whole heart, your whole mind and your whole strength ( I'd like to remind you that there is only one person worthy of that kind of worship and it is not the narcissist) and yet it will never be enough. They don't want to feel loved, they want to feel perfect, infallible, beyond reproach, beneath no one, omnipotent and all powerful. In fact, with time the narcissist looks down on your love as weakness, your love places you beneath him/her. You become pathetic in his/her eyes, after all...with the way they treat you and you keep coming back for more, it truly becomes something to look down upon in their eyes.
Does the narcissist recognize the importance of love? Does a junkie recognize the importance of love when they are craving their next fix? 
No. There mind is on one thing, where and how can I get it?
Narcissistic Supply, the drug of choice to the narcissist is the only thing they live for, breath for,
manipulate and abuse for. They don't care who they have to step on and crush as long as they are able to get their high.
Does the narcissist see the need to change?
The narcissist sees life through a distorted prism, what they see are half truths, pathological lies and twisted realities that work hard to keep the narcissist fooled into believing their false image is real.
Trying to help the narcissist see the need to change is like popping the narcissists image of him/herself, it's exposing their life and their view of themselves as a lie and the narcissist would rather choose to live out that lie than work on their true identity, their true self image. Anyone that tries to make a narcissist see the truth in themselves is constituting themselves an enemy of the narcissist.
There is a song by Patty Smyth called "Sometimes Love Aint Enough," in the case of the would be entitled Narcissistic Supply Aint Even Enough...
Once we come to grips with the truth regarding narcissists, we can stop chasing after the wind, exhausting ourselves trying to fill a cup to the rim when it has a huge hole on the bottom.