Sunday, November 12, 2017

Do Not Be Fooled By Nice People


I spoke with a woman who spent 15 years in a relationship with an abusive, covert narcissist. I asked her - 'Do you have the tendency to be attracted to bad boys? Or difficult boys?'
"No," she replied honestly. "I've never been attracted to bad boys, in fact I love a guy that is sincere and kind and has a good head on his shoulder."
"What were your ex boyfriends like?" I inquired again.
"They were all great guys, nice guys that had a lot going for them. I don't understand how I fell for a narcissist, what do you think I did wrong with this one?" She asked.
"You did nothing wrong - you were duped."

This woman had talked on and on about how amazing her now ex was, how everyone thought he was gold, how she felt so blessed to have been "chosen" by him. Yes, how ...NICE....he was. The whole world thought he was the NICEST GUY on the planet.
So many people wind up falling for Mr. Nice/Narcissist because they are attracted to nice guys, but they are people that tend to believe that everyone portrays what they really are. After all, they are honest with who they are, isn't everyone else??
Sadly a narcissist has the ability to portray themselves as a wolf in sheep's clothing. They fool people into believing this false image so that once they've sucked you in, the trap snaps and you find yourself stuck in a narcissistic web.
Does that mean you avoid all nice guys??
But learning the difference between a healthy, nice individual and a narcissist who is portraying nice is vital. Not all nice people are good people and having the wisdom to discern between the two can help you avoid much heartache. 
Here is a breakdown of the differences between a good person and a false nice person:

* Display consistent integrity
* They have depth and substance to their personality
* They are responsible and care about how their actions affect others
* They don't "brag" about being a good person or constantly highlight their good qualities for the world to see
* They are selfless even if there is no audience to witness it
* They are themselves without seeking approval from others
* They say what they mean, they do not tickle your ears by lying just to make you happy
* They listen to your pains and never throw them in your face even during an argument
* They build you up as opposed to tearing you down
* They are always the same, you never have to guess what kind of person they will be today
* They can rejoice at the success of others
* They admit their mistakes and flaws

* Integrity is dependent on the circumstances, whether it benefits them or not
* They are charming and praise you not because their compliments are truth but rather to get you to fall for their charm
* They are shallow and it seems impossible to have deep, meaningful conversations with them
* They desperately need the approval of others and if that means stepping on others or putting others down, then they will do that in order to gain praise
* They are manipulative
* They are like perfume - very sweet but often to cover up what is deeply offensive
* They lie easily and believe there lies, they lack any integrity whatsoever
* They will remind you how amazing they are and how fortunate you should feel to have been chosen by them

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


Why can reverse psychology work if you do not overuse it?
It's simple a narcissist lives their life striving after narcissistic supply - which they often get when causing another person to feel frustrated, anger, helpless, unlovable, desperate, etc.
Much like a two year old that picks up a very pretty glass vase, smashes it to the ground and marvels at the sheer volume of the noise it creates and the amount of pieces flying everywhere. They look up, half guilty half impressed thinking -did I have the power to cause such massive destruction?
That's how a narcissist feels whenever they shatter you on the inside - they look at the situation and marvel, thinking wow I'm so powerful look how angry I can make him/her, look how upset I can cause him/her to feel? I did that!!
So how does reverse psychology come in?
Once you learn how the narcissist can use this to your advantage. 
Lets say your child has a special event on the weekend they are supposed to visit the narcissistic parent (NP). If dealing with a rational person you can simply talk to the other parent, explain the situation and ask to switch weekends - a healthy parent would have the child's best interests at heart and be willing to compromise for the happiness of their child.
The NP will think...yes!!! My ex wants something from me, I'm going to do everything to make the situation impossible and watch him/her fall apart emotionally trying to convince me I should change weekends - I'll show him/her!!
Knowing this, you can save your breath and approach it from a different angle such as:
" I have something really important to do this coming weekend, please do not cancel visitation like you did last time it would really put me in a bind/"
Inside the narcissists mind occurs something to this effect: She/he  has something important to her and she's/he's  letting me know - yes!! Now I can do something that will completely mess up his/her plans and cause mountains of frustration. 
Hopefully the NP will cancel the visitation in an effort to hurt you.
Now remember, nothing is a guarantee - and if the narcissist suspects you are using this technique they will not fall for it again. So use wise and sparingly. 
It's sad that you cannot negotiate and talk through events with a NP, but the truth is YOU CAN'T.
But there are ways to handle the situation that lesson your emotional reaction and reverse psychology can be a go to tool to help.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

One Subscribers Story - How Narcissists Emotionally Unbalance You

PHYSICAL ABUSE - Leaves scars, a trail of proof that cannot be denied.

VERBAL ABUSE - Can be heard not only by the abused but others as well; it can also be recorded with a phone, revealed in texts and/or emails - it too leaves a trail.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE - is a silent killer.

An emotional predator may speak in a calm tone, without yelling or screaming or even name calling. They may at times speak kind words to you. In front of others they appear supportive, the perfect spouse that others always wished for yet only thought existed in movies. Their covert abuse is administers in small doses, daily, in the most cunning ways over a long period of time. The impact in the victims is gradual as opposed to fist-to-the-face immediate. So gradual that when the victim seems "crazy" to those around him/ one even remembers the person that victim was before the abuse began - not even the victim.
Now realistically, it's important to recognize that we have all hurt others, especially those we love. No one can claim to never have hurt their partner emotionally - in fact an inability to recognize the pains you inflicted on others is a red flag.
However there's a difference between hurting unintentionally, or regretfully our loved one and cunningly emotionally abusing them. Keep in mind that emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse.
Where is the line drawn?

 When a crime has been committed, part of the prosecutions job is prove intent, motive. Emotional abuse has a motive: It's aim is to control, belittle, shame, isolate and humiliate others into subservience. It happens little by little, slowly eroding a persons self confidence, self esteem, self concept and own ideas dissipate and become nothing but a rumor.

Sometimes emotional abusers hide their abuse behind the lie that they are "teaching" you to be better or "guiding" you to where you need to go. This allows the abuse to remain hidden as it grows and poisons a person from the inside out. 
It's important to remember that emotional abuse is not simply put downs or criticisms. In fact emotional abuse is not simply ONE thing, but rather a cluster of many different actions combined. I've included a list of the many faces or symptoms of emotional abuse - remember that if you know someone or you yourself exhibit one or two of the following behaviors, this does not necessarily indicate emotional abuse. However the more symptoms you see, the more behaviors you can identify with and recognize in your daily life....the more likely emotional abuse may be present. 
     *They may control expenses - keeping you with next to nothing, having to ask and account for every penny you spend yet they themselves may have accounts you are not allowed to have access to and their spending can never be questioned. This control of the expenses can occur whether or not they are the financial provider or YOU are the financial provider.
     * They treat you like a child or as if you are inferior to them.
     * They rub your face in your mistakes and faults constantly, bringing up over and over things that happened years ago. They may even rub your face in the mistakes your parents, family and/or friends have made as if somehow you too should be punished for their errors. Their mistakes are untouchable, you are not allowed to mention them, bring them up or point them out. 
     * They may make you feel as if they are always right and you are always wrong ALL THE TIME. The words I'm sorry will only ever be uttered by you. And if you try to point out a mistake they made, or even if they hurt you somehow - they will react with anger, so much anger that little by little you begin to not point out their mistakes, you begin to think the way you are living is "normal" and they convince you that any time you are upset, it has nothing to do with their treatment of you but somehow it is always your fault you are upset.
     * They may act angry for no apparent reason, giving you constant disapproving glances and/ or condescending looks and comments. If you ask them what's wrong they respond with anger that you are even thinking their is something wrong with them. You begin to walk on eggshells analyzing every move you make, trying to discern what causes them to act so disapprovingly.
     * They may control the amount of time you spend with your family and friends, little by little you become isolated and only are able to spend time with people they "approve of". These 'people' are often people that are fooled by the abuser, thinking he/she is amazing and the abused is the one with issues..
   * They refuse to take responsibility for their actions, they constantly deflect all the blame on you.
     * They have no regard for nor interest in the way you feel. If you have a disagreement that leaves you crying and sad, they will ignore your pain AS IF IT DOESN'T EXIST.
     * They use the "silent treatment" to punish you. Days, weeks and months can go by without them speaking to you - this is emotional torture, being treated as if you were dead, non existent.
     * They will become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time, yet they will demand you give them 100% whenever they command it.
     * They will give attention to others in public, so much attention that others view them as amazing, never noticing that they never speak to you in the same manner they speak to them, never noticing the emotional neglect they give you while pouring it out for others. 
     * They will call you names, belittle you and label you as a bad person.
     * They will belittle your success and triumph. If there is something you excel at they will criticize it until you no longer even have the desire to engage in your passions.
     * They will mock you if you are upset, they will impersonate you when you are expressing your feelings. They will make you feel as if your feelings are somehow wrong and bad.
     * They may accuse you of things you never did. Better yet they will accuse you of the things THEY do (projection). The more you try to prove to them that they are the ones doing those things the more they spin you around and around in an endless debate that terminates because you are simply too exhausted and confused to continue.
     * You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing your opinion because the NEVER agree with you and make it a point to go against anything you say or suggest.
     * They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people and claim they were "joking" not caring that the joke is at your own expense.
     If you are in a relationship with an emotional predator, please take steps to protect yourself. 

Friday, October 27, 2017

Beautiful Yet Emotionally Abusive Women - Why Men Stay

Beautiful Yet Emotionally Abusive Women - Why Men Stay

While men have a reputation for putting more emphasis on the physical appearance of their significant others, and many have put up with abusive treatment longer than desired because of the beauty of their partner - there are also many OTHER REASONS why men stay in abusive relationships - and they have nothing to do with the looks of their partner. 
Here is a list of potential reasons why many men stay with women that are emotionally abusive:

1. DENIAL - He may dismiss the abuse by blaming it on PMS, or being over emotional. Many men ignore the fluctuations in personality because he loves her and wants the relationship to continue.
2. LOVE - Many men are driven by logic as opposed to emotion, the way women are driven, and he may find enough good in the relationship to "make up" for the abuse. Men are more quick to forgive and forget and it can be easier for many to focus attention only on the good times.
3. FEAR- He may stay out of fear - fear of what will happen to her if he leaves. Abusive women often threaten suicide if their partner leaves. 
4. HE WANTS TO SAVE HER - At times when a man realizes that his significant other is toxic - rather than throw in the towel he may want to "save" her, "help" her. 
5. BELIEVING ABUSE IS NORMAL - He may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, possibly due to growing up in an environment where abuse was common, and may not recognize that the relationship is unhealthy.
6. CHILDREN - There may be children involved and he feels he can be more helpful to them while living under the same roof since many men feel that going to court for custody is a losing battle and they're afraid they will never see their children again.
7. PROMISES OF REFORM; False belief in the ability to change and stop abusive behavior is a common problem for men. They want to believe that a person CAN change but they fail to see that sometimes the abusive person doesn't WANT to change.