"Self-trust, self-love, and self-knowledge can be taught to a daughter
only by a mother who possesses those qualities herself." - Dr. Karyl
McBride, from Will I Ever Be Good Enough
A child of a narcissistic parent is taught conditional love...they are loved if and when they "perform" perfectly up to the expectations of the parent. Just when they are enjoying the moment of feeling loved, that love is yanked from them, mostly when they least expect it - causing insecurity, fear and a deep sense of shame.
Young children do not have the mental capacity to understand that their parent may have a problem, their parent may not know how to love correctly; So they internalize the problem and think they are the problem, they are unlovable, unworthy, never enough.
A child of a narcissistic parent never tastes unconditional love.
Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.
A narcissist is unable to love unconditionally because they do not care about the happiness of others, not even of their family members. In fact happiness is viewed as a threat to a narcissist.
When a narcissist sees genuine happiness reflected in the eyes of their family members they react in the same way I react when I see a roach, I scrunch my face in disgust and do all I can to stamp it out of existence.
Therefore children of narcissistic parents learn not to shine, not to laugh or feel genuine happiness. They are conditioned over time to feel uncomfortable with happiness, after all, any time they felt it as a child it was accompanied by rage by the narcissist.
It's important to help children to overcome this avoidance of happiness even if they are no longer living with the narcissistic parent. Because they have been conditioned to associate negative feelings with happiness, because they have lived their life feeling as if everything is a funeral, they need to be taught how to be happy. Sometimes children of narcissistic parents will create caos when life is calm, simply because calmness scares them; after all it was always right when everyone was calm and "happy" that the narcissist would rage. It's a coping mechanism, it helps them to not feel so out of control - they think - if all goes crazy at least I will be expecting it since I am causing it!!!
If your children are doing this after the relationship with the narcissist has ended, please be patient with them. Children of narcissistic parents are not used to calm, healthy, happy lives and sometimes they take on the role of the narcissist even after the narcissist is gone simply because that has always been their "normal."
Something that was helpful with my family was practicing gratitude. Each day we made a practice to write down 3 things we were happy about that day. It didn't have to be big things, it's often the little things that happen on a regular basis that bring us the most happiness. And instead of overlooking those little things we made it a point to seek them out, to write them down, to share them with each other. This practice slowly helped my children to learn to be comfortable with happiness until now happiness is their normal.
I hope this technique of writing down 3 things you are greatful for, or things that made you happy each day is as helpful for your family as it has been for mine.
Therefore children of narcissistic parents learn not to shine, not to laugh or feel genuine happiness. They are conditioned over time to feel uncomfortable with happiness, after all, any time they felt it as a child it was accompanied by rage by the narcissist.
It's important to help children to overcome this avoidance of happiness even if they are no longer living with the narcissistic parent. Because they have been conditioned to associate negative feelings with happiness, because they have lived their life feeling as if everything is a funeral, they need to be taught how to be happy. Sometimes children of narcissistic parents will create caos when life is calm, simply because calmness scares them; after all it was always right when everyone was calm and "happy" that the narcissist would rage. It's a coping mechanism, it helps them to not feel so out of control - they think - if all goes crazy at least I will be expecting it since I am causing it!!!
If your children are doing this after the relationship with the narcissist has ended, please be patient with them. Children of narcissistic parents are not used to calm, healthy, happy lives and sometimes they take on the role of the narcissist even after the narcissist is gone simply because that has always been their "normal."
Something that was helpful with my family was practicing gratitude. Each day we made a practice to write down 3 things we were happy about that day. It didn't have to be big things, it's often the little things that happen on a regular basis that bring us the most happiness. And instead of overlooking those little things we made it a point to seek them out, to write them down, to share them with each other. This practice slowly helped my children to learn to be comfortable with happiness until now happiness is their normal.
I hope this technique of writing down 3 things you are greatful for, or things that made you happy each day is as helpful for your family as it has been for mine.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog and I am so eager to watch all of your videos. My mother is a narcissist with Munchausen's by proxy. My question, and I apologize if you have already covered it in a previous entry, is what to do about the guilt that comes with cutting off contact? I have no remorse for cutting off my mother, but I still feel guilty for cutting out the rest of her family--my grandma and aunt--even though I know that I shouldn't. They weren't the primary abusers, but they saw what my mother did to my sister and I, and never did anything to stop the abuse. They even enabled it in some instances, and aided in the mental manipulation and brainwashing. I haven't spoken to any of them in 4 years, but my aunt has recently reached out apologizing for whatever she did wrong and wishes to resume contact. Since cutting off contact, I have grown immensely and am so much more confident and emotionally stronger. My life has never been better and I am finally happy and free. The only thing holding me back is the guilt I feel for leaving my grandma and my aunt. Quite honestly, it eats at me. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I don't want any part of my mother back into my life. I never want to go back or be manipulated again, but I feel so bad about roping my grandma into it (someone who I was very close to as a child). In your opinion, are enablers as guilty as the abuser? How do I stop feeling guilty about doing what's best for me, and what should I do now?
Hallo Eva,
ReplyDeleteI'm new on this site but your situation just reminded me on my own; well... my father is the main reason I went NC with them, but my grandmother and my mother are another story. The two, they exchange information every morning before I wake up. My grandmother live 35 miles away from my mother, but their contact is and always was 3 times stronger than my mother with us. Whenever I visited my grandmother, I had this feeling that everything I speak to, she would tell to my mother, and other way around. I'm glad that I went from my family of origin 2,5 years ago 800 miles away in another EU country :) but still today, I hate that sneakiness about information I share; they are control freaks without boundaries and clue about privacy.
About the guilt; you can keep contact with any person from your extended family IF they aren't flying monkeys and IF they are willing to understand (or at least question) why are you NC with your mother. Tell to your grandmother and your aunt the main reasons (if possible) why are you NC with your mother and see the response. Than can you better measure if you can remain contact with them or not (and also calm down the guilt). Are they reactive to reality check or are on your mother side. Cheers
Hi, the last ten days for me have been a whirlwind of illumination. I was in New York and had (out of some sense of obligation) met with my mother after a number of years of limited contact (?) which I had instigated myself, just apparently instinctively. I just could not be in touch with her, no matter how hard I tried. I did not understand why my brain could just not get it over with; a quick phone call, a hug, a whatsapp message. When I met with her, she basically spewed out a lot of anger at me not being in touch (after all she sacrificed and did for me, of course) and kept interrupting if I tried to answer. I thought "OK let her get all her frustrations out first". But the thing was that she also constantly lied or twisted truths or turned everything into something negative (I said this, I did that, my mother in law did this, said that, I love my mother in law more than her (I don't even like her)...etc.), and she made threats (I will destroy your mother in law, your husband, I took out a private detective on you and I have stuff on you all).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, after the meeting, I was so disturbed by the lies (even though on some level I expected them) that I started googling how to deal with people like that. Everything pointed to narcissism (maybe a little borderline as well), which was a big surprise for me, so much so I still kept looking for other things (you're probably nodding now). Reading more and more, watching your videos on you tube, has been very illuminating for me. Everything in my life makes sense now. I am not looking to blame at all, I don't see myself as a victim/survivor or hate her. I am just looking at ways to move forwards, but I understand also that there is not much hope for change. Being armed with all the information has been so incredibly helpful that when I whatsapped with her (I don't want to call so that she can not twist my words) telling her in very neutral language that if she wants a relationship with me and my son then we have to both put the past (her lies) behind us and be civil to each other and family members (no threats). Her response was to say things like "It is important for me that as your mother, I need to be put first", "...you will respect me. end of story" and she also deflected but said things to inflate herself etc. when she did not want to answer things ("I still bake...we had a guest this weekend. I made....whoever is good to me, I will be seven times as good back"). Anyway, because I had done some reading then when I was confronted with this, I was prepared. It did not hurt me, even.
Illuminated as I am (and, really, thanks for your videos), I do want zero contact now. I am terrified of her coming to visit me, sticking her tentacles in everywhere (e.g. she always makes friends with my friends), causing scenes (am I paranoid?) and more importantly, being close to my son. I really don't want that. I want him to grow up without those influences. I am so paranoid on this last issue (my son) that I am writing her out of my will now so that she will never have any custodial rights (it's awful but I admit that it feels really good actually). Is this all too extreme? How can I keep her away in ways other than zero contact? I feel so guilty about it but I know no contact is necessary. I feel that limited contact is not going to work at all.
They are evil human beings with no hope of every changing because they believe they are perfect. My mother starting abusing my daughter when she was 2 1/2. She tortured my brother who sadly ended his life in 2012. Keep your mom away from your kids. My mother kidnapped my son when he was 3 just for a day because she was mad at me....she smirked with joy. Now my daughter is 12 and my mother crossed the line the final time. I struggle with an x who is a violent, evil Narcissist... we need to cut them out. Best wishes.....
DeleteWhat in the cases when your own child, a teenager, is soo brainwashed and pampered by a malignant narcissistic father that I am divorcing now? It has been years that he is working on her and finally bought her off against me....long story....I am in a terrible pain living under the same roof still, for a little while, completely shattered but strong. I didnt want to leave until she becomes 18 ....ohhh so I was soo fooled that I am doing tye right thing as a mother..
ReplyDeleteThe result? My total trauma, affected my life, health, enourmos pain....
I am strong.
Would email you my story of psychological abuse of an narcissistic parasite who at the end, deprives me of our own daughter as I type to you
Right next door !!!
Thanks