Talking to kids about their Narcissistic Parent(s)

How to talk to a child about a NP in a responsible way without attacking the NP in the eyes of the child:

1. Do not say insulting things about the parent....in the eyes of the child that puts you on the same level as the NP. Also, they still love their parent and will feel defensive and therefore anything you say will not be constructive.

2. Do NOT try to tell the child to make sure they don't upset the NP, that is putting blame on the child and making it the child's responsibility for bad behavior. The truth is a NP does not need a reason to be angry, just someone to project it on ....what better than a malleable child. Help the child to identify that the anger belongs to the parent...Ex: I bet sometimes it seems like your mom/dad seem to be angry all the time no matter what you do right? Well, some people have a lot of anger inside and they say things that aren't true and it hurts. Sometimes you might wonder are the things they say about you true? But always remember when people speak out of anger, they aren't seeing or thinking clearly. So when they get angry and say things that hurt, in your mind tell yourself good things about yourself....Do you want to know what I like about you? Or what kind of child I can tell you are? And then pick out specific things as opposed to just saying your a good kid. Tell them....I noticed that you do this, or you said that ....that way they believe you when you tell them they are good...you are giving them evidence to back it up.

Every chance you get, point out something you like about that child. Ex: Wow, I notice how neat you keep your toys, or I saw you share w/ so and so..being kind is such a beautiful quality, or you have such beautiful hair, or you are so kind to the dog and helpful, etc. The important thing is point out specific good so that the child, when told how bad they are, is able to reason in their mind and see their good. This takes time, and you may feel like you aren't getting anywere but NEVER GIVE UP TEACHING THE CHILD TO SEE THE GOOD IN HIM/HERSELF.

3. Earn the child's trust. If they confide something that the NP did and ask you not to mention it to the parent DO NOT BREAK THEIR TRUST. The NP will make them pay for opening their mouth and they will no longer open up to you. You may think you are helping by talking to the NP but.....THEY ARE NOT REASONABLE PEOPLE. THEY WILL NOT SEE YOUR POINT OF VIEW NOR THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE CHILD.

The best thing you can do is create a trusting environment where the child can go to speak safely about the things that are going on.

4. Help them to learn to use their parent as a good example of what not to do when they grow up. If you ask....does your mom give you hugs and kisses goodnight? If the child says no, and looks sad....help them acknowledge their feelings.

Saying something like: That must make you feel sad, you deserve a nice warm hug and kiss. You know when you grow up and have kids you can give them that kind of love. You can give them a nice warm hug and kiss at night and tell them how special they are. And when you notice something good that they do...you can point it out and tell them how proud you are of them. Would you like to be that kind of parent? I bet you're going to be a great parent. Feed the child hope!!

5. In a respectful way point of that the parents behavior is wrong. If the NP was yelling...you can say when alone with the child: I heard your mom/day yelling....you know as parents we get angry, even kids get angry but yelling is not a good thing. Your mom/dad is not handling their emotions in a good way. Then validate their feelings, it must be scary to see your mom/dad acting like that.

If they are name calling the child. Let the child know that that behavior is not good. Ex: You know when your mom/dad calls you......that is not good parenting. A parent should not do that to their child, your mom/dad has to learn how to express themselves in a better way, or control their feelings better. Then validate their feelings...that must have hurt you when that happened?

Keep the conversation brief yet validating to the younger the child, each small conversation is like planting a small seed of reality, small seeds of hope and validation, and each time you are able to converse again you are watering these healthy views in the child.

Remember the child is used to only hearing their parents reality which is distorted and unhealthy...by slowly and consistently teaching them healthy realities YOU can be extremely helpful.