So what is gas-lighting?
Gas-lighting
is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn’t, or wants you to
deny feelings that you know you have, and their goal is to make you believe the
unbelievable.
This
is what took me so long to go for help. My reality was twisted and I fully
began to believe I was the problem in the relationship, even though my gut kept
banging on my internal door.
But,
gas-lighting, some may feel is a small, trivial matter. What’s the big deal?
There’s no broken bones, no screaming, why is it so damaging? The ultimate goal
in gas-lighting is to drive their victims to question their own grip on reality
and even to make them feel like they are going insane.
It is a mind game often used to distract
others from their own problematic behaviors and to create self-doubt in their
target of abuse. People can read about gas lighting, but until you experience
it, it’s difficult to understand just how disturbing it feels when someone does
this to you. Especially when the abuser makes casual matter-of-fact references
to behaviors in which you never engaged and then acts incredulous that you
cannot remember. It makes you lose all trust in your perceptions, and you
wonder what’s wrong with you as the self doubt grows until you feel as though
you may be losing your mind.
The
first step toward healing is to get the help you need to separate from the
toxic reality that the narcissist has imbedded within you. If you suspect you
are in a relationship with a narcissist….get help as soon as possible. If
unable to go to counseling, there are many groups on Facebook and many victims
who have posted valuable information on Youtube. The more you learn about
narcissism the more you will begin to heal from the toxicity.
Make
sure your counselor is familiar with narcissistic personality disorder, not
every psychologist is….and it’s vital that you find someone that truly
understands the damaging effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist.
Also,
read up on ga-lighting. This is going to help you to understand all of those
moments that your reality was twisted and turned; it will help you once again
begin the task of learning to trust your perceptions once again.
Suspect
gaslighting when you notice:
1) Confusion: You
feel confused and off-balance when you interact with your partner. You receive
responses that don’t seem to make sense from ordinary actions. When you respond
to these puzzling reactions to normal behavior, your reactions are labeled
wrong and/or unreasonable. You may be told that you are reading into things
that don’t exist or that you are being overly sensitive.
2) Conflict about memory: You
are told “I never said that” when you
clearly remember hearing it. You are frequently told “you’re imagining things”
or “it didn’t happen like
that.”
When your partner declares these memory differences in calm, convincing
behavior you begin to feel like you are losing your mind, your reality is
constantly being rewritten.
3) Fears about mental stability: You
worry that you are going crazy. Your partner begins to point out mental
instability in you and express concern that you are going to have a mental
breakdown or that constantly suggests you have sever emotional problems.
4) Emotional vertigo: You
feel a constant sense of ‘dizzyness’ or feel as if you have no place to stand,
when trying to make sense of the situation. Reality is not seeming to add up,
the facts do not make sense, but you see that as a flaw in yourself rather than
in the situation or the other person. This can lead to obsessive thoughts as
you try to figure things out.
5) Distrust of your perceptions: You
ask others to confirm what you notice. For example: Is it wrong that I got
upset when my husband (boyfriend, mother, daughter etc.) insulted me for this
or that. If someone agrees with you it still feels hard to trust your
perception and yet if someone disagrees with you, you automatically assume your
perception had been wrong all along.
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